I need more girlfriends.

Never going to a Frat party again unless I have girls to dance with and such. I swear, just standing by the wall is so not fun. And Brian was there too. I'm hoping that SIG has a huge ass party and I can convince Lisa or Lynn to come with me. Either that or I become friends with the ... swallows spit ... party sluts. Oh why?! And when guys finally started talking to me, Sky and Lucas want to leave. :( I need to either party more or go to bigger parties with more desperate guys. And all that white music. Who plays Miley Cyrus at a fucking zombie party. Only good song was "To the window, to the wall". And I had to push so many guys for personal space. Not personal space but stop backing into me. Sugbon?!

Worse part was that Connor was there and I didn't even have the balls to say anything to him. I think for all his hotness, I really don't like him. Yes, he is good to look at, but if I liked him, why does Brian still plague my thoughts. I keep thinking about Brian and I think what gets me the most is that it hurts that someone is with you for only 2 months and they already decide that they couldn't spend the rest of their life with you. I didn't even know he was looking for a life partner. What happened to letting it go as it comes. If I had a chance, I'd ask the world to dance, and I'd be dancing with myself. I need a good outing experience. One that makes me feel sexy and wanted. And I need to get my hair done.

The Sex God is not sexy enough to get the Ex-Love God out of my Head.

I hope SIG has a something after spring break.

And I am never drinking Jungle Juice again. I wanted vodka.

Akonfused girl.

You're standing on my neck. With the worst pies in london.

It's sad that the Ex-Love God is stuck in my head. Every time I consider liking a guy, I end up comparing him to Brian and he just falls short. I don't know why but I do. It's just something about this relationship. It was my most whimsical, loving and romantic relationship. That's saying much for my luck with guys. I don't know why but even the Sex God with all his hotness can't get me away from memories of the Ex Love God.

But I don't want him back. Any guy that can hurt me that much just by leaving is ... I couldn't do it twice. But, for some strange reason, I loved him more than I planned on.

I got some Sweeney stuck in my head.

Oh Sweet Lord In Heaven, I am becoming Daria.

How did this happen? For those of you that are too young, this is Daria. => Daria centered on a smart, overtly sardonic, and extremely pessimistic upper-middle-class teenage girl, Daria Morgendorffer, dealing with day-to-day life in her American suburban town, Lawndale.

I am not joking. I'm not as bad as she is but I might as well be. :(

Love Is In The Air. Too Bad, I Forgot To Breathe.

It's sad when days just suck. And then I turn to Glee for musical support and all the songs want to make me cry. Except one. I'll stand by you. For some reason, the reassurance that one day someone will love me enough to take away all my misgivings about love makes me rather happy. Not happy but ... it gives me hope. My self esteem has been in the gutter lately. I feel extremely unattractive. Everyone seems to be in love and happy. Even those that are not in love seem to do it on their own free will.

I don't even understand why I'm sad. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life with the ex Love God but the fact that he would dump me shatters everything I knew. I hate that I predicted it to Lisa but when I said those words, I didn't believe them. I was trying to be logical. Shows how much I know.

I blame Valentine's Day. The worst part is that, I rarely think about the Sex God. I am stumped. What do I want?

Wow, I'm losing.

There is always an ongoing battle between exes to see who has the better life. I seem to be losing at this game. My life is quite mediocre. I have little to no interests in the outside life. I don't even have the energy to pretend that I have a social life. It is truly sad. I feel like all my rants are just an excuse to remain inside. I want to be able socialize.

It's even sadder that I don't want to discuss this with anyone so I write it on a blog that no one knows exists. But I don't know what to do. I have no idea what I like. Or rather if humans like me exist. But how can I find out from my room? I guess, I could go find out if there's a party this weekend and if I will be able to go. I hate Valentine's Day. It always seems to be the most miserable time of the year. And if my memory serves me right, it's only gonna get worse. My year never gets better till about summer. Oh well, here's to a slightly eventful summer.

I miss having someone to cuddle.

I do not share the exact sentiments of this song but the explain how my life seems to pass. However, I'm still a teenager.

I guess we are now friends.

Okay, I'm officially on the friend basis. Not just classmate. YAY! However, I don't know if I really want it. Maybe this time I'll be lucky but I doubt it. I keep getting flashes of a long term relationship in my head. Does this mean that I secretly want to be with someone forever. I, like every other 17 year old, dreams of romance and someone loving me forever but I know it's a dream.

Why do I even like the Sex God other than he's hot. I know nothing about him. I didn't know anything about Brian. I kinda want to ask him out on a date and get to know him better. I need to stop trying to date guys. :(

I want friends. I get by with a little help from my friends. And high too!

I should go out or something. Meep.

Hating On Myself.

This is confusing. So, I was so fucking late for my group meeting. Yikes. However Conner was there contributing to his conception of me being an airhead.

I was trying to work and managed to block out the Sex God. And then the Ex Love God walks in, and it takes all my fiber to ignore him. And then I realise I have the Sex and Ex Love God in the same room. However, all I can do is compare them. And I realise that I was closer to the Love God. We were actually friends. I remember walking through downtown and the stream. Under the stairs. I try to change my style in every relationship. So, not gonna happen unless the guy wants to do it. And I know that isn't going to happen.

Oh well, the Sex God will never be mine.

Talk about low self esteem.

Did he just look down my shirt?!

Tuesday has finally arrived with promise of the Sex God. I was so excited to get to CBE 117. I obviously got to class first, so I sat in my chair and awaited his arrival. He walked in, ever so hot and confident. And then he didn't come to his normal position beside me (or two seats away). I was heart broken.

And then he comes over and sits down. I say hi, crack some jokes. Main gist, the class starts. I was genuinely asking for help from the Sex God. He just looks at me, looks at my boobs, looks back at my face and goes back to his work. I flipped out like 180 degrees. WHAT THE HELL?! I have never been so insulted in my life and neither have my boobs. He eventually helped me and we spent the rest of the lab period talking and such. However, I do not think I want to date this person again. He might still be a Sex God but he's no longer the Sex God.

As in, KAI, see the con-con-bility. He had the audacity, the liver, the moi moi to dismiss my boobs. I think they are okay. A healthy C Cup; I'm sorry I'm not a D but still ...

Mr Soccer playing, Irish heritage, Boondock Saints loving Chem E to be can shove it up his penis. (It hurts more although I've heard it can be pleasurable.) God, he is so fine and buff. But he is such a jerk/ douche. Oh well, here's to romance, sex and all that comes with it.

Just Emailed the Ex Love God.

WHY?!?!

You can't always get what you want; but if you try sometimes, you just might find. You get what you need.

When He Bumped Me

It's so bloody weird. My ex Love God appears to be every way I go. I know he takes care to avoid that when he can because he didn't come back the same way after I saw him. I just bumped into him on my way to Diff Equ. Wow. At least he smiles and says hi. I don't know if he's just being cordial or if there are truly no hard feelings. I miss the Love God but I know this is for the best.

I miss the Sex God. Haven't seen him since Thursday. Sad Meep. Oh, he is just so fine and smart and funny and retarded. Don't know why I am crushing on him. I am neither ready for a relationship and I am also unable to give the amount of emotional support that is expected from a relationship. I guess that's why I refer to him as the Sex God. I find it weird that this started out with Dan as my Sex God and Connor as my Dave The Laugh. Now, Connor is the one I think about. Not even sex just a relationship of some kind. Perhaps I want to be friends with this person and I use relationships as a way to establish friendships. Maybe it's cause all the boys I'm friends with originally had crushes on me. Not sure where I'm going with this one.

Back to paying attention in class and thinking about the Sex God.