I think I'm dreaming. Don't wake me up.

Okay.

So, seeing the Ex-Love God pulled up a nerve.

It hurt so badly that he still made me so happy.

All the bad things went away and it was nice.

We joked, we laughed, we teased, we shared a deeper connection.

It was like time never passed.

And yet, in that moment, I knew that we could never be together.

I mean, it's been nearly 5 months.

5 months of ignoring each other and wondering why.

And where did I screw up?

And re-evaluating myself.

And then, one day ... next thing, it's like nothing had happened.

And I didn't even touch him.

No physical contact.

Yet, being around him was so blissful and soothing.

I felt content.

Not happy, content.

That's why I cried.

Because if he asked me out, I'd be back in his arms.

Just silent, enjoying the whispers of nothing and yet bursting with emotion.

And I don't want to go back.

Who gave him the right to just waltz back into my life?

I have a say in this.

I have never missed a guy so much in my life.

If he could hurt me so much before,why should I go through it again?

And I told him the truth.

Every time I talk to him, my life gets better.

Or at least, it feels that way.

And he feels the same way.

I make his day better.

Why would he leave if I did that?

And if he missed me so much, why didn't he say anything?

Not one word.

Silence is a cruel mistress.

Every time I saw him and he wasn't talking to me ...

That silence hurt.

And yet, my best memories involved saying nothing.

It's happening again.

I don't know if I can handle it.

But I'm going to try to enjoy it, right?

Here's to exes.

And all the emotions they inspire.

Tell Me How Am I Supposed To Go On, When My Heart's Still On A Diet.

I might have a shot with Warner.

I don't know why but I am super nervous.

It is just like with Tony.

It's going to be a summer fling and then, with fall comes the inevitable.

It sucks.

I wish that I could feel that emotion.

I was reading Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray".

If I could only feel remotely as passionate as the Basil Hallward felt about Dorian Gray.

His words were so beautiful and filled with passion and life.

To feel that way, regardless of the reciprocity of my emotions would be a fantasy and a dream.

Reading those words were like a prophecy.

I want to try so hard for once.

Is it so wrong to fantasize about being in love rather than the thrill of human contact?

Even if I fail with Warner, I want to try this weird thing called love.

Hollywood has taken away any novelty to love.

Now, it's all just "Meet, smile, talk, sex, then love".

I don't want that.

I want compatibility, shared interests, conversation, romance,and physical attraction.

All this seems impossible but I will listen to Journey.

And "Don't stop Believing".

Good Night, World.

Just came to say,

Good Night, World;

Good Night!

Why did I do it?

All this work, and what does it get me?

Sleepless nights, with thoughts filled of you.

All that pain, that turmoil and sadness.

Locked inside, this aching frustration.

Just one glance, and then he just leaves.

So many words just to apologize.

Kiss me now, and leave with goodbyes.

All this tears and what does it get me.

Did I do it for a happy ever after?

So we'd be there, immortalized in time?

Was it lust or refugee from sadness?

An outlet for rage and desperation.

Just one good reason, that's all I ask.

In the crowd, I watch the show quiet.

She has never looked so well.

All my anguish adds to her beauty.

All this pain, see what it gets you.

So give me a knife, Give me a dream.

Give me a song, anything to feel!

Cause life is a Cabaret.

Words I'll never understand.

Life is my feeding plate.

And I'm far for 6 feet down.

Nothing is going according to plan.

Nothing takes me into consideration.

I guess, I was never part of the plan.

• Lost my train of thought. :p

Sex is one hell of a drug

I rarely truly fall for guys but I can't fight physical attraction. I will not lie, I was physically attracted to Logan. He's super cute and just plain adorable.

However, I can't shake this feeling I get off his friend, Patrick aka Chalup. I don't actually like Patrick and think he's a tad bit ridiculous and retarded but I enjoy the meaningless, and more often than not, sexual conversations we share. That and he is a rather excellent kisser and his body is amazing.

He's motivated me to work out until I too have a body that makes boys drool.

Hey, what can I say? Sex is one hell of a drug.

But maybe all my sexual escapades are to avoid having a serious relationship with a dim wit. Maybe I should try dating a girl. It can't be much worse than dating a guy, right?

I am confused and desire food. As alluring as sex is, it leaves one hungry.

Guys

I find myself ... falling this week

For the sex God ... as usual.

And this chap called Logan. Not really fell but I find him ... attractive?

Just gotta see how this goes.

Tired of falling for the Sex God.

Maybe ... one day ... I'll love someone and they'll love me back and it'd be beautiful. In the mean time, I need to get over Connor.

I feel you, Joanna. Do they think that walls can hide you? Even now, I'm at your window.

I hate that I keep falling over and over again. (>.<)

But I know, if he just smiled, I'd fall again. WHY?!

I can't always get what I want.

You Are ... You Are ... Beau ...

When

Not if

I fell

Not fall

Cause I'm in love with you

The way you talk and the way you smile

Strange, these words feel old

I guess it's been a while

But it just feels so right

To feel this way again

To want, To love, To live

Only for that moment when his hand touches your skin

And you melt inside thinking of everything

His hair, his eyes

The way he curves his lips to smirk

The playful way you guys fight

The way his arms would feel if they were around you.

Wake up stupid

Stop dreaming

You must realize that

You have no chance

You aint got it

You are ugly and that's all you will ever be

My mind keeps telling me all these cruel things that I pray are not true

But must be

If not why did he hate me

Why did he leave me

Why are we not together

Rather, I just write out my wishes

Hoping some cosmic, supernatural being will make them come true

Hoping he will say

"You are beautiful. You are a girl that would put Greek Mythology to shame. You are Aphrodite's incarnate. You are ... You are ..."

Hoping he will say, everything I already know, that my subconscious screams.

Why do I need these words to come from his lips before I believe them.

Why do I need his approval.

Girl, wake up.

You crazy.

Don't you realize that this is all the price of being a teen?

Young and foolish

Waiting for approval

Waiting for influence

Look in the mirror

Don't need to go no further

You are beautiful

You always have been

And with these words staring at me

I believe and I smile

I put the last period and leave my room

I am beautiful

I am a teen.

I'm pissed. The Sex God is working a number on me.

I am vexed. He's just being so damn ... irresistible. I want him and I will get him.

Forgive Me

I spoke too soon. He's still a douchebag.

And He's Back.

Um, I got over the Sex God. My BFF told me to re-evaluate myself before I fall for a guy. I did just that. And I have never felt sexier, hotter or prettier than I do right now. And then he waltz back into my life, with his jokes and and charisma and great hair and all around hotness. Yes, the Sex God just waltz into my life and demanded I pay attention to him.

And God, it's working. He's on my mind, I think about him constantly, I flirt with him. I am re-falling for the Sex God and fast. I have way too many guy problems for this. Not my fault he's hot, likes Classic rock, is into manga, anime AND comics. He is also funny and confident. What in Sam's name am I doing? For all I know, he's being a friend but doesn't help my poor heart. I hate this feeling. I need to get boys out of my head!

I am hot, sexy and boys get ready to drool. Who am I kidding? Me. But I'm me and no boy is gonna disrupt me.

I'm ME!

I need more girlfriends.

Never going to a Frat party again unless I have girls to dance with and such. I swear, just standing by the wall is so not fun. And Brian was there too. I'm hoping that SIG has a huge ass party and I can convince Lisa or Lynn to come with me. Either that or I become friends with the ... swallows spit ... party sluts. Oh why?! And when guys finally started talking to me, Sky and Lucas want to leave. :( I need to either party more or go to bigger parties with more desperate guys. And all that white music. Who plays Miley Cyrus at a fucking zombie party. Only good song was "To the window, to the wall". And I had to push so many guys for personal space. Not personal space but stop backing into me. Sugbon?!

Worse part was that Connor was there and I didn't even have the balls to say anything to him. I think for all his hotness, I really don't like him. Yes, he is good to look at, but if I liked him, why does Brian still plague my thoughts. I keep thinking about Brian and I think what gets me the most is that it hurts that someone is with you for only 2 months and they already decide that they couldn't spend the rest of their life with you. I didn't even know he was looking for a life partner. What happened to letting it go as it comes. If I had a chance, I'd ask the world to dance, and I'd be dancing with myself. I need a good outing experience. One that makes me feel sexy and wanted. And I need to get my hair done.

The Sex God is not sexy enough to get the Ex-Love God out of my Head.

I hope SIG has a something after spring break.

And I am never drinking Jungle Juice again. I wanted vodka.

Akonfused girl.

You're standing on my neck. With the worst pies in london.

It's sad that the Ex-Love God is stuck in my head. Every time I consider liking a guy, I end up comparing him to Brian and he just falls short. I don't know why but I do. It's just something about this relationship. It was my most whimsical, loving and romantic relationship. That's saying much for my luck with guys. I don't know why but even the Sex God with all his hotness can't get me away from memories of the Ex Love God.

But I don't want him back. Any guy that can hurt me that much just by leaving is ... I couldn't do it twice. But, for some strange reason, I loved him more than I planned on.

I got some Sweeney stuck in my head.

Oh Sweet Lord In Heaven, I am becoming Daria.

How did this happen? For those of you that are too young, this is Daria. => Daria centered on a smart, overtly sardonic, and extremely pessimistic upper-middle-class teenage girl, Daria Morgendorffer, dealing with day-to-day life in her American suburban town, Lawndale.

I am not joking. I'm not as bad as she is but I might as well be. :(

Love Is In The Air. Too Bad, I Forgot To Breathe.

It's sad when days just suck. And then I turn to Glee for musical support and all the songs want to make me cry. Except one. I'll stand by you. For some reason, the reassurance that one day someone will love me enough to take away all my misgivings about love makes me rather happy. Not happy but ... it gives me hope. My self esteem has been in the gutter lately. I feel extremely unattractive. Everyone seems to be in love and happy. Even those that are not in love seem to do it on their own free will.

I don't even understand why I'm sad. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life with the ex Love God but the fact that he would dump me shatters everything I knew. I hate that I predicted it to Lisa but when I said those words, I didn't believe them. I was trying to be logical. Shows how much I know.

I blame Valentine's Day. The worst part is that, I rarely think about the Sex God. I am stumped. What do I want?

Wow, I'm losing.

There is always an ongoing battle between exes to see who has the better life. I seem to be losing at this game. My life is quite mediocre. I have little to no interests in the outside life. I don't even have the energy to pretend that I have a social life. It is truly sad. I feel like all my rants are just an excuse to remain inside. I want to be able socialize.

It's even sadder that I don't want to discuss this with anyone so I write it on a blog that no one knows exists. But I don't know what to do. I have no idea what I like. Or rather if humans like me exist. But how can I find out from my room? I guess, I could go find out if there's a party this weekend and if I will be able to go. I hate Valentine's Day. It always seems to be the most miserable time of the year. And if my memory serves me right, it's only gonna get worse. My year never gets better till about summer. Oh well, here's to a slightly eventful summer.

I miss having someone to cuddle.

I do not share the exact sentiments of this song but the explain how my life seems to pass. However, I'm still a teenager.

I guess we are now friends.

Okay, I'm officially on the friend basis. Not just classmate. YAY! However, I don't know if I really want it. Maybe this time I'll be lucky but I doubt it. I keep getting flashes of a long term relationship in my head. Does this mean that I secretly want to be with someone forever. I, like every other 17 year old, dreams of romance and someone loving me forever but I know it's a dream.

Why do I even like the Sex God other than he's hot. I know nothing about him. I didn't know anything about Brian. I kinda want to ask him out on a date and get to know him better. I need to stop trying to date guys. :(

I want friends. I get by with a little help from my friends. And high too!

I should go out or something. Meep.

Hating On Myself.

This is confusing. So, I was so fucking late for my group meeting. Yikes. However Conner was there contributing to his conception of me being an airhead.

I was trying to work and managed to block out the Sex God. And then the Ex Love God walks in, and it takes all my fiber to ignore him. And then I realise I have the Sex and Ex Love God in the same room. However, all I can do is compare them. And I realise that I was closer to the Love God. We were actually friends. I remember walking through downtown and the stream. Under the stairs. I try to change my style in every relationship. So, not gonna happen unless the guy wants to do it. And I know that isn't going to happen.

Oh well, the Sex God will never be mine.

Talk about low self esteem.

Did he just look down my shirt?!

Tuesday has finally arrived with promise of the Sex God. I was so excited to get to CBE 117. I obviously got to class first, so I sat in my chair and awaited his arrival. He walked in, ever so hot and confident. And then he didn't come to his normal position beside me (or two seats away). I was heart broken.

And then he comes over and sits down. I say hi, crack some jokes. Main gist, the class starts. I was genuinely asking for help from the Sex God. He just looks at me, looks at my boobs, looks back at my face and goes back to his work. I flipped out like 180 degrees. WHAT THE HELL?! I have never been so insulted in my life and neither have my boobs. He eventually helped me and we spent the rest of the lab period talking and such. However, I do not think I want to date this person again. He might still be a Sex God but he's no longer the Sex God.

As in, KAI, see the con-con-bility. He had the audacity, the liver, the moi moi to dismiss my boobs. I think they are okay. A healthy C Cup; I'm sorry I'm not a D but still ...

Mr Soccer playing, Irish heritage, Boondock Saints loving Chem E to be can shove it up his penis. (It hurts more although I've heard it can be pleasurable.) God, he is so fine and buff. But he is such a jerk/ douche. Oh well, here's to romance, sex and all that comes with it.

Just Emailed the Ex Love God.

WHY?!?!

You can't always get what you want; but if you try sometimes, you just might find. You get what you need.

When He Bumped Me

It's so bloody weird. My ex Love God appears to be every way I go. I know he takes care to avoid that when he can because he didn't come back the same way after I saw him. I just bumped into him on my way to Diff Equ. Wow. At least he smiles and says hi. I don't know if he's just being cordial or if there are truly no hard feelings. I miss the Love God but I know this is for the best.

I miss the Sex God. Haven't seen him since Thursday. Sad Meep. Oh, he is just so fine and smart and funny and retarded. Don't know why I am crushing on him. I am neither ready for a relationship and I am also unable to give the amount of emotional support that is expected from a relationship. I guess that's why I refer to him as the Sex God. I find it weird that this started out with Dan as my Sex God and Connor as my Dave The Laugh. Now, Connor is the one I think about. Not even sex just a relationship of some kind. Perhaps I want to be friends with this person and I use relationships as a way to establish friendships. Maybe it's cause all the boys I'm friends with originally had crushes on me. Not sure where I'm going with this one.

Back to paying attention in class and thinking about the Sex God.

This has nothing to do with the Sex God.

Your Eyes

As We Said Our Goodbyes

Can't Get Them Out Of My Mind

And I Find I Can't Hide (From)

Your Eyes

The Ones That Took Me By Surprise

The Night You Came Into My Life

Where There's Palmer

I See Your Eyes

How'd I Let You Slip Away

When I'm Longing So To Hold You

Now I'd Die For One More Day

'Cause There's Something I Should

Have Told You

Yes There's Something I Should Have

Told You

When I Looked Into Your Eyes

Why Does Distance Make Us Wise?

You Were My Muse Along

And Before My Muse Cries

I Should Tell You I Should Tell You

I Will Always Love You

You Can See It In My Eyes

Sadly, this whole song is not true but I can't forget the look on Brian's face that night. I was a monster and I hurt him. More like, I pissed him the fuck off. I feel sorry and pathetic. All I want to do is say sorry.

Oh wait, He was Flirting with me?

I don't know what you call it but this is most definitely horse play! He checked me out; laughed at my jokes, teased me, everything a high schooler does. But not just with anyone, with me. I know this because I was watching him. But, why me? Does he also have a crush on me, or is he just being friendly? Am I that attractive?

Or maybe he is not aware of his hotness. Maybe he has always be overlooked by girls back home.

Darren calls it teasing. Conner should get his act together and stop confusing me.

CBE

Flirts are horrible but worse when he flirts with a guy. Sad meep!

No seat behind the Sex God.

I walk into my Differential Equations class and to my dismay, there is no seat behind him.

Not that the seat is taken but rather, there is no seat.

All that hotness and I can not be behind him.

Sad day.

I find myself singing the Conner song. It goes something like this

I have a crush on a boy, his name is Conner

He couldn't be more stuck up, yet he is so well thought

This boy who they call Conner.

He's in my CBE classes; he doesn't wear glasses

He does more than passes, He knows the secret to great asses

I stare at him when he looks away

I really hope he's not gay

If not why doesn't he look my way; Conner

Last week, I thought he was a cute douche

Now, we were finally introduced

Too bad, that it took so long, but I'm a hoot

And now, I amuse him with every other tune.

I wish he were interested

But he can't because he's a douchebag

But soon he might change

Then we can arrange

To be fuck buddies

I mean cuddle buddies.

Shit I would like to fuck him but he's not that special

But he is a douchebag

I like a douchebag

Too bad he's a douchebag

Who's name is Conner

And I can't wait for CBE again.

He's left England and is now in my Diff Equ class.

After ever break up, there is the period where you swear off men. Personally, I'm not much of a woman lover but still, it is that time. I am not really going through a bad break up; it's a bad break up for him cause I freaked out but besides that, I don't feel sad. I went through the 5 stages of grief in one day [I know this because I counted. :)].

I walk into my Differential Equations class to take a quiz. You can imagine how bloody boring that is. I don't have that many friends, so I get to feel like an outcast in this class. But there he was. Hot, hairy and manly. Immediately, I knew that I had found the Sex God.

I am unfortunately not like Georgia Nicholson. I will never get with him. But it is quite nice to watch him from across the room and take in all that is his "sex god"-liness.

I however did see a cute guy who oddly is the Dave the Laugh to my story.

Let's see how that goes since I introduced myself to him and we are both Chem E majors.

Akonfused Girl